The last thing I am is a 'do gooder'!

There are many and varied reasons that people choose to become foster carers. As a qualified teacher and nurse who had relocated with hubby when he took on the role of operations director for a charity working internationally with children at risk, we decided to look into the situation of children at risk on our doorstep. At the time our own children were babies and seeing as I wasn't keen on leaving them with child minders we were in a position to open up our family to children who needed to be loved and looked after alongside our own. For hubby, being a pragmatic type of bloke it made total sense that this would become a 'job for me and being at heart a 'mother' it suited me down to the ground. I couldn't have been happier, I got to stay at home and be available physically and emotionally to the needs of the household. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that people would perceive this and us as being 'do gooders'! 

Have you ever heard the description 'do gooder' used in a positive context? I can't recall once hearing the term used positively about anyone. I was interested to read a newspaper article with the headline 'NOBODY LIKES A DO-GOODER! It goes someway towards explaining why I've never heard the term used as a compliment or received it as such! 

'They probably think their selfless behaviour makes them popular but the truth about 'do-gooders' is nobody really likes them, according to new research.

A series of studies found that those who volunteer to take on unwanted tasks or who hand out gifts without being prompted, quickly alienate themselves.

Psychologists believe this is because it makes the rest of us feel guilty and puts pressure on us to behave in an equally selfless fashion.

Researchers say do-gooders come to be resented because they 'raise the bar' for what is expected of everyone.

It suggests that people might want to think twice before waxing lyrical about their charity work or volunteering to put in extra hours at the office.

Social psychologist Professor Craig Parks said: 'The fear is that this new standard will make everyone else look bad.

'It doesn't matter that the overall welfare of the group is better served by someone's unselfish behaviour.

'What is objectively good, we see as subjectively bad.'

This blog has been prompted by something that happened the other day. At the moment we look after a little boy one weekend a month in order to give his full time foster carer a bit of respite. We have many wonderful friends who embrace us and the children we look after and I  had taken this little boy to one of these friends houses.  He was 'exploring' when he happened to walk into a room where two elderly ladies were having a chat. I quickly followed in order to distract and extract him from their conversation, sensing that he wasn't appreciated! As I stood there with my arms around around the little chap, the elder of the two women remarked 'Oh you're doing your 'good' again Chrissie?'  I admit it floored me. First that she should think that about the fact we love and care for children who through no fault of their own end up in vulnerable positions, and second because she said it in front of him, like we were doing something he maybe didn't deserve!

I've pondered this since and have taken a long hard look at my own motivations for looking after children. I've come to the conclusion that many people view foster carers as saints. I have to admit we've certainly met some remarkable people looking after children who genuinely love and devote themselves to the care of others at great expense to themselves. 

The key for me and my heart motivations can be found in the ancient book

Micah 6 v 8 

'God has shown you O man, what is good. and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love kindness and mercy, and to humble yourself and walk humbly with your God?'

Jesus Himself answered similarly when asked what was the most important commandment - Love the Lord your God with all your heart mind, body and soul and to love our neighbour as ourselves.

I'm no saint - the love that I draw on in order to unconditionally love these children comes from the heart of the Father and comes from being a follower of Jesus not of myself! I'm thankful to God that He has given His Holy Spirit who is my counsellor, guide and friend. I have found human love to be  bankrupt - I believe this is why we so often find it hard when we see other people 'doing good' because it exposes the bankrupt nature of our own hearts. Human love is not enough. I think this is why we view people who do things we couldn't  as 'saints'  - for the true nature of a follower of Christ is saint like!

In my heart I am no different to the elderly woman who viewed me as a do-gooder. Human nature is inclined towards comfort and self gratification, and I admit that leaning, however when our human nature turns towards it's creator, we become extraordinarily life giving, loving, joyous and bringers of peace in the world. Don't be fooled! In and of myself I'm no do-gooder but I do follow the one who is ALL GOOD so may appear saintlike at times! What's amazing is that God has given us HELP in the form of His Holy Spirit so that we can become glorious SAINTS! Only God knows our true heart motivations!

BLACK FRIDAY musings

I'm really not into all the hype around Black Friday. In my humble opinion, it's an unwelcome American import which UK media have only just woken up to! The cynic in me wonders if the media are being paid to profile this day, perhaps they're offered huge back handers from the retail industry to hype up the day to cause mass spending. Maybe they never intended that it would result in the sort of shopping carnage evident across the UK at the moment, but then again, the greater cynic in me wonders, maybe this was the media ploy all along, after all, 'mass carnage' in the shopping queues does make for GREAT headlines!

I consider some of the greatest evils in the world to be the ones committed in the name of Christ and today I am reminded of our vulnerability as humanity that we should be so DUPED into thinking that in the name of Christ and Christmas we can behave in such hellish ways - devoid of the TRUE Christ who LOVED and laid down His life…….

'The girl who hugged'

It's all fun in our house! A few months ago my daughter told me of an incident after her evening out at a night club. She happened to be an innocent bystander and witnessed a domestic fight. The woman had started crying uncontrollably and, unable to quench her compassionate nature, Melody had gone over and started hugging her in an effort to console. 

According to Melody, the male had been manhandling the woman out of a night club in an aggressive and physically controlling manner with his hands around her neck. The couple made such a commotion  crying and shouting in the early hours of the morning that the police were called. On their arrival Melody was identified as being an independent witness and happily gave her statement to the police being informed that it was unlikely she would get called to court but that she might.

So here I was yesterday morning in court with said daughter. It was a first for us both and was slightly awkward from the start because the male accused happened to walk into the magistrates court seconds before us! Melody recognised him immediately and held back from following him up the stairs for fear that he might confront her. Fortunately the court has a witness protection service and after discreetly mentioning the dilemma to the receptionist we were ushered into a private room. 

The female was also in the room and it soon became apparent that she had reservations about incriminating the accused. Probably in the sober light of day and being in a co-dependent relationship with the perpetrator she was reluctant to see him found guilty. This became apparent as I followed her into court to hear her give testimony. Due to the woman's immediate admission that she had been  intoxicated with alcohol, she was unable to recall  anything but 'the girl who hugged her'. As she was cross questioned, everyone was referring to Melody as 'the girl who hugged' and I found a tear coming to my eye. What a beautiful way to be remembered and this was my beautiful, strong and brave Melody who, for the sake of her kind nature and sense of justice, was putting herself through something most unpleasant and inconvenient. 

There was so little evidence from the lady's recollection that it became apparent that all would rely on the testimony of 'the girl who hugged'. Melody was called and to my utter amazement, moments before she entered, in walked 9 girls who took their seats alongside me in the public gallery. I assumed they might be her friends and was slightly alarmed at the dramatic entrance it created for her as she took the stand. I can laugh now but at the time I wondered what the court would think having 9 friends coming to stand alongside her as she gave witness! As it turned out they were a school group and as we waited for the court ruling they all laughed as I confessed I had thought they were Melody's supporters. 

What my daughter witnessed is unfortunately an all too common occurrence both in public and private when people drink too much and allow emotions to run away with them. The male in this situation was asked what the long term relationship was with the woman and to the courts surprise he answered 'marriage'. I wonder how many men and women there are who have a propensity towards physical violence when angry and who lose control when drunk. Such a small minority get to court and then only a few of those result in conviction because relationships are complex. This must have been one of those complex ones! 

Melody and I stayed to hear the verdict. Not guilty. The woman's testimony did nothing to incriminate the man who had abused her physically and therefore there were too many holes in the case. The man's defence of 'self defence', was accepted despite the testimony of 'the girl who hugged'. 

Ice cubes and the 'C' word

I may have mentioned previously that in 2007 I was diagnosed with cancer. It was a huge surprise to me and a very defining moment….

The odd thing about it was the fact that I had become obsessed with wanting to continually suck ice cubes. I realise now that this was one of the first things I should have noticed as a sign that something was wrong!

At the end of 2006 I was exhausted. (Probably precipitated through having to keep up with the huge quantity of ice cubes needed to satisfy my daily 'habit'.) The job I had as global coordinator for a counselling resource for traumatised children entailed a lot of travel and whenever I returned home I would find myself in bed by 8 o'clock every evening. I remember doing a training session in Romania and the kindness extended to me by the coordinator in ensuring I remained constantly supplied with ice cubes. The habit seemed to get worse. I would fill two thermal cups full of ice cubes every morning simply to get to the office!
As much as I loved the job I felt that my family were suffering. I sensed this might be a good time to take a sabbatical and see where God might lead me next. I decided to hand in my notice!

The planned three month sabbatical coincided with some blood tests that the Doctor suggested I have. Results showed that I was severely anaemic and I was sent for further investigations.

My plan was to take time off from the end of February until Easter. As it turned out this was the exact time frame of the cancer diagnosis and subsequent surgery. Doctors discovered a tumour in my bowel and suspected the worst. I was fast tracked through the NHS system and put first on the list for surgery a week before Easter.

Having experienced years of infertility and miscarriage I already knew that illness touches peculiarly on the many and varied circle of people around you. I found this to be one of the hardest things as it's a trait of human nature for people to want to try and 'fix' things. It left me feeling out of control and vulnerable to the opinions and judgements of others.

I tend to process things internally and this takes time. I processed feelings around miscarriage and loss through writing poems and songs. Things happened so quickly with the cancer diagnosis that I didn't have time to think let alone write.

Physically It was dealt with quickly and 3 days after the operation I remember sitting in the garden with half my bowel missing wondering what had hit me.

It was maundy Thursday and with the awareness of Good Friday approaching I knew things would never be the same again. In those weeks and months of living with the 'c' word it felt like I was staring death in the face. I concluded in the light of my faith and belief in eternity through Jesus' death and resurrection that I had no fear of DEATH. It was however a very lonely time for me. It was a challenge to my faith in Jesus and His words of life. He said 'greater things than these will you do'. I desired 'the greater things' and decided that if I lived, I didn't want my life to be mediocre. I wanted to live with passion in the revelation of God's goodness and love and the good news of the gospel of Christ and His healing, resurrection power.

The diagnosis wasn't clear cut. They had found lymph nodes affected which meant that surgery wasn't a total cure. When I was offered chemotherapy as a belt and braces approach I considered the offer long and hard. Hubby, being a pragmatist wanted to know the odds and we were told that statistically it wasn't going to make that much difference. I took a controversial decision to refuse the offer of chemotherapy. As a mother of two young girls (then 9 and 11 years old) I considered that I had a choice to make. I could start the chemotherapy and endure months of illness and the consequent side effects of treatment. I realised that this would mean it would be difficult to engage with my children through the long summer months and I would miss out on a significant piece of their childhood. Alternatively, I could embrace a summer of enjoying the time with my girls unhindered by chemo side effects and trust for the best. Statistically if cancer hadn't recurred within 5 years then it was likely a 'cure'.

On hindsight  and 7 years later I now know I made the right choice but it's been a difficult and lonely journey. Most people I know would have opted for chemo in a desperate attempt to FIGHT cancer. I remember trying to explain to the chemo doctor that I would much rather embrace life, enjoy my children's childhood and trust God for the future rather than choose to  FIGHT cancer. She seemed offended by my thinking and her response caused me to stay silent about my journey of faith when faced with the 'c' word for 7 years.

In terms of the ice cube fetish - The consultant poo-hoo'd my craving as unrelated and bizarre. He'd never heard of such a thing and was most superior in front of the entourage of eager students. In his opinion it was worthy of little note -  he dismissively smiled in a condescending manner raising a most cynical eyebrow! It was remarkable that immediately after surgery I no longer had a desire for ice cubes. I began to dig around online to see if there was anything that could enlighten me on the issue. I found a random article on side effects of anaemia and I discovered that it can cause swelling of the epithelial tissue in the mouth which in turn can be soothed through sucking ice!

I realise that writing my story in this manner may likely offend some, especially those who have taken up the fight against cancer.  The side affects of chemotherapy are not for the faint hearted and I applaud the bravery of anyone who has gone down that route. But I feel I must at least speak out for those who are making their choices at this time, especially those who do have a faith. I have found the presence of the Lord and the love of God over the last 7 years to be so real and tangible. Even if the cancer had recurred I wouldn't regret my decision one bit. I choose to live one day at a time in HIS love and as if each day were my last. I embrace the life I have one day at a time. I look back on 2007 as one of the most defining years of my life. I do believe in Jesus the great healer and His words of encouragement to us from John 12 v 12-14

"Believe me: I am in my Father and my Father is in me. If you can't believe that, believe what you see - these works. The person who trusts me will not only do what I'm doing but even greater things, because I, on my way to the Father, am giving  you the same work to do that I've been doing. You can count on it. From now on, whatever you request along the lines of who I am and what I am doing, I'll do it. That's how the Father will be seen for who he is in the Son. I mean it. Whatever you request in this way, I'll do."

The Message translation.

There's one thing I'm sure we can all agree on …..Having a cancer diagnosis does tend to define things!

The girl with stars in her eyes and gold in her teeth

  

At the end of August I spent 72 hours at a music festival with a difference. Those who gathered were a mix of musicians, artists and people who had a spiritual hunger. I ticked all three boxes!

Due to my age and predisposition to gum disease I have a daily 20 minute teeth cleaning routine and on day two, as I diligently brushed away, I noticed three gold dots had appeared in one of my teeth.
I was puzzled and showed them to hubby. Bri wasn't initially impressed so I shrugged off the wonder of them and continued enjoying the spiritual atmosphere dancing, singing and generally loving the powerful presence of Holy Spirit as I worshipped God in song and dance.

The next day during my teeth cleaning routine my eye was drawn once again to the three small flecks of gold that were in my teeth and I looked closer. I'm not sure at which point I noticed that they were in fact triangles but I couldn't deny that gold had appeared in the tooth. I have heard of such phenomena happening when people are in super charged environments. Gold teeth appearing and gold dust falling when Holy Spirit is present seems to be a growing occurrence. Before going to this festival - Davids Tent - I had even wondered if such a thing might occur there. Having dismissed all thoughts that this might be something the dentist had secretly put in my teeth without me knowing - I began to marvel at the supernatural nature of this happening.

As the camp came to an end I felt like I was glowing. People even commented that I looked shiny! As we had worshipped and I had engaged in the spiritual realm I had even begun to feel that the eternal love I had felt had caused there to be stars in my eyes…... I knew I was travelling home changed - with stars in my eyes and gold in my teeth.

On return my two teenage daughters asked me how the festival had been. I started to explain about the powerful sense of God's presence, the power of love and the joy of being with other believers and I suddenly remembered that I had gold in my teeth. In my excited childlike way I showed them the gold triangles - which by now were unquestionably three triangles in the shape of a triangle.
They were incredulous - as was my husband who, on taking a second look, verified that they had in fact grown!

You may be asking the question - So what? Why would God do that? What's the point?

I want to share what happened next -

One of my teenage daughters friends came round that evening - she knows our family are 'believers' and tolerates our/my  'quirkiness'. I showed her my tooth and the triangles and she was like
"whoa…...Triangles are special…..I've always known it. That's why I had a tattoo of one."

Picking my jaw up from the floor I looked at her and the tattoo of the triangle behind her ear and excitedly started to share about how YES the triangle symbolised something AMAZING - the Trinity of God. Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I encouraged her that God must really love her to have revealed something of His nature to her in the shape of a triangle. I shared that whilst we often pray for things, situations or people  -  that God loves it when we simply love on HIM.  The fact is He loves us and takes pleasure in us. My belief is that getting gold in my teeth was something a GOOD God would do for one of His children who had been loving on him for 72 hours.

My eyes are aflame with the JOY of the revelation of God's goodness and love - I love it that I now carry a physical representation of my belief in a triune God who reveals himself as The Father - (a good Daddy) as The Son (a brother/friend - acquainted with our ways and loving us enough to have laid down his life), and as Holy Spirit (comforter, counsellor, guide, and ever present powerful/supernatural representation of God on earth).

To sum up - God loves us and will sometimes do things that surprise us to bring us joy simply because He is a GOOD God.

One more sleep...

Woo hoo - after three weeks of hubby being away there is only one more sleep left!

If I'm brutally honest, two weeks ago I was feeling quite ambivalent about his return. Years of being married to a global traveller has hardened me to the emotions that his absence causes, at least in the short term. What I  didn't quite anticipate is the strength of emotions that him being away for 3 weeks has stirred within me. To some extent it's been a taste of bereavement.

This time has been the toughest as his travels took him to places where internet and wireless connections were non existent.  Our communication has comprised of only 4 short skype conversations and 2 emails. Seeing as we have two teenage daughters our conversations consisted of filling each other in on their exploits and on the practicalities of our experiences. The funny and the sad eg. the cat stalking itself through the mirror and running into it……one of the girl's friends breaking her nose….GCSE revision detail and the fact I spring cleaned the house and have four empty drawers!

Not a lot to show for three weeks of life now I come to think of it.

Except…..after two weeks I realised that underlying the day to day there was a growing feeling of loneliness. It wasn't so much the fact I was missing the daily cups of tea faithfully delivered each morning with a 'Morning gorgeous'. It wasn't the fact I had to remember to take the right bins out on the right days or go to the tip with the excess rubbish. Nor was it because I had to fill and empty the dishwasher or do the ironing. Yes, you heard that right, my husband does the ironing. (Admittedly whilst watching football or sport of some sort but hey - he volunteers and I don't complain about it!)
The reason I have felt lonely is because I miss HIM. Not for what he does or doesn't do but for his presence. He is the one I love having by my side, my handsome, gifted, teasing, helpful, kind and faithful partner. We fit! After 27 years of 'fit' I've discovered in three weeks that this is more than living alongside each other, though at times we've been in danger of doing just that, it's being a part of each other. 'The two shall become one' is the biblical revelation and finally it seems I've woken up to this profound truth.

So with 'one more sleep' I eagerly anticipate his return. I have read and re read the last email he sent which expressed the sentiment 'I want to love you more and you to love me too - otherwise we are missing out!' I think he's gorgeous and I want to kiss him. He asked me to prepare and get ready to give each other more space and time for each other.

This blog has been motivated out of an excited heart resounding with a big YES -

bring it on!